Wow.
Its been a hot minute since I updated this site. There has been a LOT of change in my life since we last spoke, hence the new layout and design, call it a reboot if you will.
So, what’s new?
Im now single.
I live alone.
I have no clue what I’m doing.
I got a new job.
So yeah, some big changes. 2020, like it has been for everyone no doubt, has been a testing one. I broke up with my partner of 5 years and now find myself in the middle of a global pandemic, single, and not on any dating apps – they’re absolutely a waste of time in my opinion, as of yet, not a single dude I have spoken to on them has wanted to meet up for a date, they all wanna go straight to the main event, which, as someone who was in a sexless relationship for 2ish years, I’m not mad at. However, it would be nice to have someone actually want to take me for a drink before diving into my thighs. But hey ho, we make do. It’s also worth noting that when you get to your mid 30s, the dating pool shrinks to the following options:
Dudes who are emotionally unavailable and don’t want a relationship, but want all the benefits of a relationship.
Guys who are already in poly or open relationships (which there is nothing wrong with, whatever floats your boat but its not for me).
Men who just want a penpal and drop in a cheeky “come over to mine and snuggle with me” text – sir I know that trick.
So yeah, being single in 2020 is a bit shit. But its better to be alone than in a relationship that sucks and offers nothing.
The other big life event, getting a new job, has been pretty awesome. Im working from home 247, which is ok (save for the emotional breakdown as we head into another lockdown over my birthday month, sigh), and I absolutely do love my job, which is awesome. Its taken me 5 years to get this job, and I freaking love it.
The other major event that happened this year, was I tried to kill myself.
I was incredibly stressed, overwhelmed, feeling undervalued, constantly worried about every single thing going on in my life. I was driving to work one morning, and I sat in my car crying my eyes out, and knew there was a road I could drive down, close my eyes and I would go head first into a tree. I inidicated to go down the road, everything.
The only reason I stopped was because I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. I didn’t want to take the ambulance crews away from someone that really needed them, and did not want to stop other people getting to work. so I didn’t do it. I drove to work, pulled up, and called my doctor. I was seen that evening and everything I was thinking and feeling came out. I was put on antidepressants, referred to therapy and given all the help, time and support I needed to start getting better. I’ve been on these antidepressants for 9 months now, and I still have moments where I just want to breakdown, but I know I can get through it. It gave me clarity to see my relationship was so one sided it was causing me stress and anxiety, and that I needed to get out of that. It has helped me to understand that I cannot control EVERYTHING and sometimes, bad things happen. But I got this you guys, I can get through it, and so can you.
So that’s pretty much us up to date! Because of quarantine, I don’t really have much else to report, but I’m sure over the coming months I’ll update you all more with what’s going on, and in the meantime, you can enjoy reading my dating hits and misses, reading about what it’s really like to be mid 30s single, anxious AF, and in lockdown, and there might be the occasional fitness or holiday related post here and there.
Until next time, stay safe,
Hx
Hollie Writes